$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
