My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
