I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
