i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
