dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
