i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
