The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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