Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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