I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
