I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
NoShamevember. You game?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
