I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
