i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
