My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize