proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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