god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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