i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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