I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
