when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
