Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
