K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
