My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
