my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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