ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
