My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
be right there i have to get my cape
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
