Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i now understand why vodka
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
