Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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