I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
