I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
