i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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