Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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