rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
