Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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