i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
