just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
