If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
