She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
