I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
