I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
