You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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