My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Blood and glitter go together right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
