we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize