Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
