I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My first STD was from a foam party
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
