I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
