I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
