My hand turned me down
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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