I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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