My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
