the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
