Me. At least after what I've been through.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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