I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
