I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
