Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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