I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
