..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize