thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
